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I dug my own grave

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I always have dreams almost every night (falling or jumping from high places, losing all my teeth,  dreaming of being late at school, etc) but this dream is different. It's like I’m aware I’m dreaming but there’s nothing I can do to wake up or to make it stop. I was 15 or 16 at the time. I was in a boarding house near my school and I have 4 roommates. The 4 of us share the same room, the room has 2 bunk beds. We have our own restroom and a kitchen. For 4 - 5 days I keep on dreaming of my college Professor whom I dislike. He is so bossy and loves to order us around to do things that are not school related. In my dream, he’s shouting at me and ordering me to carry different things. On the first night, I was carrying a lot of books. Next night I was carrying garden tools like a shovel, watering can, gloves, and plant seeds. This continued for 2 - 3 nights and every time I woke up my arms hurt and they were shaking as if I carried heavy stuff. I am so confused why am I dreaming of him!
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Common Mistake(Short Poem)

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I want to think something productive
and yet...
once the idea enters my mind it vanish
change to something hopeless
than romantic.

My mood swings from delighted
to disgusted,
Disgusted that I can't even find something nice
about myself.

I sat in the corner,
 wondering why I'm alone
and all of these people
 are with someone.
Am I not special to be with?
from a simple question,
it became a wild imagination.

From imagination to a realization, 
"I am not good enough"
from a realization of an idea without 
any validation, results...
to quick devastation of 
a fragile mind thinking
that she's useless and unworthy.

All the time that passes by
became wasted,
instead of living life to fullness,
it became a burden that empties every day.
instead of finding a way out
started whining on how unfair
the world is.

Then one day, this person came.

smiles
and keep on working to
find a way out
instead of whining.

And then...
realization occurs,
that no one thinks you're 
useless and unworthy, 
you labeled yourself that way
and the reason you are alone
 its because you distance yourself
from others.

At the end of the day 
it's you not seeing your value.




Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 8, 2018 at 1:31 AM

    it's not the end of the world, cheer up!

    ReplyDelete

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